Thursday, June 12, 2008

Long Division.

His head was a city
Of paper buildings
And the echoes that remained
Of old friends and lovers
Their features bleeding
Together in his brain
And once it started was harder to
Tell them apart
He was always distracted
By the very mention
Of an open door
'Cause he had sworn not to be what he'd been before

To be a remain remain remain remainder

It has been over a month since my last severe allergy attack. What was once such a fear of my daily life is now a distant memory, proved witness only by the dozens of iPhone pictures of swollen lips and hives. Dare I say that I feel normal? I'm not quite sure if there is such a thing, but for so long of my life striving for the abnormal I'm taking much comfort in the routine, a bit of the mundane, and very much a security that things may be for the best. One day I'll feel guilty for making this change, but I have a feeling it will pass. For so much of my life I was obsessed with the idea of growing up. I wanted to be an adult, with responsibilities, a job, an office, title and telephone to call my own. I used to love going to my dad's office and pretending it was my own. And now, I've grown up. And it feels right.

I started my new job this week and it's quite a departure from my last few positions. There's a definite structure to the company, and while I may be at the bottom I feel already overwhelmed by my responsibilities, unsure of whether I'll be able to pull it off in the end, but confident in the fact that at the root of all the ways I can define myself—computer nerd is one that is always justified. Speaking of definitions, it's come to my attention that for the past five years I've defined myself by my job. I'm trying hard not to do that these days. I've also come to terms with the fact that some of my friends may have just been my friends because of my jobs. Part of life, I suppose.

Although its been rather hot and humid out in New York this week, the warmth has felt so positive on my body. I think I was hiding away for the past two months, embarrassed of myself. It feels good to be outside, amongst the city that I fall in love with more and more each day. Except when the newspaper ink ends up on my face...that, I could do without.

Since I no longer work in the music industry, I've taken joy in listening to music for pure enjoyment. One such album is the new Death Cab For Cutie one, Narrow Stairs. While it's taken me a bit longer than expected to get into it, I've grown quite fond of the West Coast band's new execution. It feels natural. We all fall into our own strides. When did I become so philosophical?

Anyways, I like this song "Long Division" very much. If only because I've started doing math on a daily basis for the first time since high school. Long division was always my favorite. Call me what you want.

Death Cab For Cutie - Long Division [YouSendIt]

P.S. How cute is my boyfriend?

Photo by Luke Robinson

Friday, June 6, 2008

Don't Play With Me 'Cause You're Playing With Fire

Now you've got some diamonds and you will have some others
But you'd better watch your step, girl
Or start living with your mother
So don't play with me, 'cause you're playing with fire

In the last week I turned 24, landed a new job, and felt relief at the fact that I no longer had to work within the music industry. Strange, because for so long its all I wanted but when I actually got it, I realized how little it is for me. In the end, I never really felt comfortable talking or writing about music, much happier to talk about what happened on TV last night or chat nonsense with a band. I never liked the business, the networking, the fake smiles and the constant look for someone better in the room. I suppose it could be true for any industry, but with the state of music these days, I saw scavengers holding on to whatever they could. And me? I was content in the back of the room, bobbing my head like an idiot.

I probably just experienced one of the worst times in my life for a multitude of reasons but I'm looking forward to a new beginning. I wasn't planning on such a change, but something tells me this happened for a reason. If this feeling of relief is any indication, I do know that I thoroughly look forward to actually enjoying music for the first time in almost five years. I can't wait to attend a show without a camera or the thoughts of how to turn this into a review. I can't wait to see which of my acquaintances are actually friends, and not just colleagues or clients in the long run. But mostly, I can't wait to not feel like such an impostor, because for so long I knew that this was not the right place for me.

One day I think I'll turn these past five years into a book. I wish that I had that short story I wrote about a life as a blogger, but its currently still sitting on that hard drive that wont start up. I'm not entirely sure if this is the end or a new start for Underrated, but I'm not too worried about giving it a label. Because, in the beginning I had fun writing about my escapades in this blog, and I only did it because I enjoyed doing it. So much of blogging now has become an institution, going against the very reason why they were created in the first place. So as long as I still like writing in here, I'll attend, and you're welcome to join me. Just don't expect too much and we'll be just fine.

Everywhere I've gone in the past week, this song has followed me. I first discovered the wonderful Rolling Stones b-side in Darjeeling Limited and haven't gotten it out of my head since. Enjoy.

The Rolling Stones - Play With Fire [YouSendIt]

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