Don't Look At Me Like Another Lost Soul

And if all of our lives turn out to be lies
Then I'll go back home
To the people that knew me
Before I was old and grown...

I toyed with the idea of writing a year-end list. I scoffed at even attempting to make a list of 10 albums (I think I've listened to a total of 3 on repeat this year) and yet did end up coming up with a list of songs. The songs, however, are nothing interesting or unique. What is, however, is what can happen in the span of one year. I saw my life dissected, judged, with too many ups and downs to count. And while I finally learned how to make myself feel somewhat normal, all that was normal to me growing up quickly disappeared.

2008 started with some very major decisions. First up? Quit smoking. I'm proud to say that I have stuck with that new years resolution (probably the first) and couldn't even imagine sucking in smoke ever again. I was a heavy smoker for about seven years, and thanks to the strange sensation of a prescription drug (Chantix), I was able to kick the habit and still live with a smoker. I give myself a nice high-five for that. Once in a while, I think we all deserve a little praise.

The start of the year also saw a number of doctors appointments, swelled lips and hands, chronic hives, and the constant bewilderment of those claiming to be experts. I remember sitting in one allergists' office and after a long sigh while looking over my charts, he simply shrugged. "You're an enigma, Rachael," he said. That wasn't good enough for me.

It took almost half of the year to realize that I had had food allergies all along. If anyone had bothered to do a blood test, opposed to a skin test, they would have discovered that my allergy to wheat was the main culprit in my illness. It was utterly relieving, however frustrating to take on this new lifestyle. Constantly checking over ingrediants, and having special orders are probably things I"ll never get used to. I never wanted to be singled out of a crowd, and now, I'm feeling strange on a regular basis. Lucikly I'm finding ways to make this work for me so I can still retain my wallflower-ness.

As anyone who has read this blog for sometime knows, music was a huge part of my life -- and a huge part of my blog. In March, I decided to take a huge risk and quit my dream job, convincing myself that this was not the end of the road and there was something out there I still needed to achieve. And whilst I have not continued to write about the music I still listen to on this blog, I know that I'll eventually revist this crazy life I once lead -- if only to showcase that yes, I was once cool. But we all know that was always just a ruse.

I moved from Chelsea to Staten Island, I watched my once-happily married parents separate, I embraced my inner nerd, and stopped taking pictures at every show I attended. I'm not sorry to see 2008 go -- it was hard, long, and took a lot out of me. But there's one thing I did learn -- no matter how we identify ourselves, the real person exists inside. Through it all, I'm glad I never lost my sense of self, or my sometimes questionable thoughts.

In case you are curious, my number 1 song of the year is "Mistletoe" by Jukebox The Ghost [listen here]. It's just a demo, but hearing it live (and then begging for a demo version to listen to repeatedly) led to the following email to their lead singer Ben Thornewill.

....So anyways, the REAL reason I'm writing this is because I've acquired an unhealthy obsession to your song "Mistletoe." Seth sent me the demo a little while ago (I'm not sure if I was supposed to mention that, but oh well) and I'm pretty sure its the best song that you (and Tommy?) have written. It's fab. So I was wondering if you could do me a favor or sending me the lyrics? I just want to make sure I'm singing the right words when I'm freaking people out on the subway to work. Make sense?

Ben was nice enough to send them back with the following request:

now go freak people out on the subway

Somethings never change....

Thanksgiving 2008

Ten things Rachael is thankful for this year:

1. Barack Obama
2. guacamole
3. joining a book club
4. Pat
5. having a job...and liking it
6. The Cable Guy showing on HBO
7. gluten-free items now popping up in regular supermarkets
8. Amanda Peyser
9. the new Mason Proper album
10. Old Navy slippers...I live in them

Gluten-Free in Pittsburgh

I am in Pittsburgh for the weekend visiting my old roommate and was shocked upon heading to the grocery store and finding a whole gluten-free section! I bought the Cherrybrook Kitchen mini chocolate chip cookies, which I hadn't tried before, and turns out they are quite yummy. I'm glad to see the gluten-free products spreading throughout the country. In fact, October is Celiac Awareness month. More to come!

My Fall TV Report Card

I realized the other day that I watch a lot of TV. Whether it's on my way to and from work on my little iPhone screen, or on a Saturday morning catching up on the DVR, I basically watch the majority of scripted shows on television today. (I have tried to eliminate the majority of my reality TV, but cannot give up on Project Runway, Top Chef (when it returns in NEW YORK!!!), Intervention, or, ahem, The Hills (I know). So now that most shows are back in our living rooms (save 30 Rock til October, sigh) it's about time I give you my opinions on them. Because, let's face it -- there's a good chance I watch more TV than you and your friends....combined.

MONDAY

• Gossip Girl (A-): Is it just me, or does this show get better and better with each episode. Ever since Blair screamed "Oh my effing god," I knew this season has perfectly combined their clever media savviness with their guilty-pleasure drama. With Serena and Dan finally broken up, we can see Serena for who she truly is (well, anything but a whiner please) and the will-they-won't-they Chuck and Blair storyline is enough to keep me tuning back week after week.
• How I Met Your Mother (A): I'm so glad this show has finally gotten the publicity it deserves (even if we had to watch Britney Spear's stoic performance to get it). Barney's realization he's in love with Robin could have been forced, but NPH plays it off with such style that we can do nothing but cheer him on. This week's hamburger episode was a cute ode to New York, and even incorporated another silly guest star (Regis) in a great way. Please watch this show so it doesn't get canceled!
  
• Heroes (C+): Anything after last season was going to be a great improvement, and the two hour premiere's pace was definitely back Season 1's standard. With some silly story lines in the way (Suresh, ugh, Hiro, please) we're still getting some jampacked drama and comedy thanks to Sylar and Noah Bennett (even if this week's buddy cop drama was cheesy). I think the writers need to throw out the "Save the world" aspect of the show (it's been done...twice) and focus on the characters that we all know and love. Hey, even Nikki became interesting!
• Weeds (B+): I had my doubts at the start of the season. The move from Agrestic could only mean jump the shark terriority, right? Wrong. Instead we delved deep (and deeper) into border smuggling with Nancy taking a harsh and real look at her role as a mother, and a drug dealer, and how she can possibly still teach right and wrong. The last episode may have been a shocker, but I suspect Mrs. Botwin may just be saving her ass one more time. That girl is sneaky, and I love it.
• Intervention (A): This show has the power to ultimately make me cry and feel better about my life. What more could you ask for? This isn't your cookie cutter reality TV, this is heartbreaking and almost too real at times for me to digest. I've noticed that this season almost all of the subjects have come out on top in the end, even for the lowest of all lows (did you see the one with the girl sucking on the dust-off? Jeez.) I guess they know we're suckers for a happy ending.
• The Hills (C): I wish I could stop watching this show. I wish Heidi would break up with Spencer. I wish Heidi's mom would be on the show more. And I wish LC would stop thinking everyone in her life (because of this show) is out to get her. And that is why this show is so popular, because we care, even when absolutely nothing happens in the 30 minutes we watch it every week. I wish I could stop! Maybe I need an Intervention, heh, heh...get it.

TUESDAY

• House (B+): It's not easy keeping this show fresh. The writers knew this last season when they though throwing in a bunch of new characters would create a new game for our favorite TV Doctor. It did, and I found it quite successful (although fans are complaining about the lack of Cameron and the Australian guy). Last season's finale was one of the most interesting house on TV (other than on Lost) and so far this season we've seen House try and deal with the aftershock. The rumored Cuddy/House romance hopefully wont ruin this consistently interesting show (even if all patients do have seizures!)
• Fringe (B): I love me some J.J. Abrams. I've loved and obsessed about every show he's done and was not going to stop here. Sure, the story lines are ridiculous. But this is TV people. It's supposed to be ridiculous and entertaining. Combine that with the undeniable attraction of Pacey Witter (or whatever his name on this show is) and you have a pretty solid doubleheader from FOX. Keep up the pace, J.J.
• Greek (B): I started watching this show on reruns during the summer and it was easy to get caught up in the lives of this sorority and fraternity peeps. I never got to experience the Greek life at NYU, and probably wouldn't had I gone to some other school, but the dramedy and freshness of these story lines make for a fun show. This season we've seen Frannie move in on Evan Chambers (ugh), Cappie break up with Rebecca (yay!) and Casey get a new man. I quite like the new guy, even if he does cry, but I'm still holding out for a Cappie/Casey moment by season's end. Please? Pretty please?
• The Secret Life Of The American Teenager (D): I can't believe I watched this show.
• 90210 (F): Ditto on above. I gave up after one episode. I'd rather have my fond memories of the Peach Pit, thank you very much.
  

WEDNESDAY

• Project Runway (B+): I hate to admit that I liked Kenley at the beginning (I'm a sucker for that 50's retro look) and now she's the spawn of the devil. Only on reality TV can be begin to love and hate someone within the span of one season, with their combattive claws coming out for the love of fashion. While some of the challenges have been boring (Olympics, yawn) the drama and clothes have more than made up for it. My money is on Korto, although I'd be happy with Leanne or Jerell as well. Just get Kenley out of there, stat!
• Lipstick Jungle (B-): I just watched this entire first season last week (there were only 8 episode, ok?) in time to catch the season premiere. Frankly, this show is definitely not as bad as I originaly thought. There's clever writing and above decent acting, it's almost like a hour long version of Sex And The City without showing any of the sex (but they get pretty close). I give props to this season's premiere, showing a more realistic side of death, with Neko coming to grasp how to mourn a husband who was planning to leave. Now I hope she can have some fun with Kirby. And please don't let Andrew McCarthy go!

THURSDAY

• The Office (A): Man, I just love this show. From the smallest one-liners ("That wasn't a tape worm) to the big moments (holy crap Jim and Pam!) this show encompasses everything I love of TV. Characters I want to tune into week after week and that warm fuzzy feeling when Standley fist-pumps in the air. Even Andy got me teary-eyed. Here's to many more laughs, and many more episodes to come.
• Grey's Anatomy (C): I told myself that I was going to give up on this show. I'd had enough. The story lines kept recycling, Meredith kept whining, and the Office and 30 Rock should be the only show allowed during the 9 o'clock hour. And yet this morning I found myself downloading the two-hour premiere onto my iPhone and crying on the ferry to work. What is it with this show? Bernadette Peters in a fairy-costume and an icicle falling into Yang? Pul-eeze. But I must admit that I'm sorta glad that Mer and Der are finally together, and think that Lexie and George are cute. Sigh. We'll see about this one.
• It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia (A-): This show has definitely filled the void felt by the departure of Arrested Development. It's out-there comedy definitely brings on the laughs and the more ridiculous this show gets, the more daring and creative the writers seem to get. There just are no boundaries here, as we've already discussed canabolism in the first episode. It seems like the popularity of this show is growing, so hopefully FX will keep it on for a few more seasons. I'm a little bit scared, however, at how far they'll go!
  

SUNDAY

• Mad Men (A+): I was a bit late to the Mad Men train, having watched the entire first season this summer after hearing all the accolades. Well, they didn't lie. What is undoubetly one of the best new shows of the last few years, Mad Men sucks us into another world and time where we can't help but love to hate and hate to love the incredibly complex Don Draper. While the pace is slow, it does give us time to oogle over the costumes and sets and it's fantastic ability to intertwine real-life events with this fictional show. I'm so glad that Betty finally got a backbone this season, but I fear the result once Don decides he's either coming home or not. Such drama, and so classy.
  
• Dexter (B-): I declared this show my favorite show of 2007, and I'm glad to see that more of my friends have picked up on this amazing piece of work. However, I'm a bit skeptical on this season, thanks to the curve-ball ending that way too many TV shows are victim of. I found it interesting that the writers have now officially moved away from the books the series is based on, and the territory is now unknown. Here's hoping they don't screw this up.
  
• Entourage (B-): Last season was a snoozefest, but I've found myself remembering why I liked this show so much in the past. Sure, it's no surprise that Vinnie will have to work his way back up to the top (as does the show) but Drama's story line, and even E growing a pair of balls (kinda) has marked for a good time. And hey, Piven never disappoints so at least we have that!
  
• Brothers & Sisters (C): I watched the premiere of this season last night and was bored. This is one show that is victim of the series cancellation on my DVR, and frankly last night did nothing to convince me otherwise. We get it -- the family is disfunctional. Now let's move on and get some real story lines, okay? The prospect of yet another illegitamate Walker is not what I wanted.

(FYI: Shows that haven't yet premiered that I plan to watch: 30 Rock, Lost, 24, Pushing Daisies, Dirty Sexy Money)

So there we have it! What are you watching? Do you agree/disagree with my grades? Should I cancel Grey's, The Hills, or B&S? What should I be watching instead?

Out Dragging The River

Cause we're out dragging the river, trying to find something missing. But everyone we know is here and nothing that we have is gone...

There are five words I never thought I'd utter out of my mouth or on this blog: I live in Staten Island.

You see, before I met Pat, I never really thought anything of this borough. It never dawned on me to take the Staten Island Ferry, or that I'd one day be living there, in a house, with a car. Am I on my way to the white picket fence? Not exactly. But yet the only reactions I've received so far are either the obligatory: "so when are you guys getting married," or the more offensive, "Wow, you are so old." I cringe at the originality.

I am only 24. I don't think that I should be defined by my age, or that by moving out of the city and moving in with a guy that consistently makes me laugh should be anything of negative connotation. I'm sure one day I'll marry him, but I don't think that is going to be anytime soon. But it is to be noted that this is the only person that tells me I'm weird on a daily basis, and because of that, makes me smile.

I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment in which I decided I had to please everyone. It's funny, when I was a kid, I was so sure of myself that I was almost the class bitch -- the queen bee who would be friends with one person one day and then disregard them the next. It's amazing how that confidence and power can fade with time, as I now am constantly seeking everyone's approval, and frankly it's exhausting. Because I like going home after work, cooking dinner, and watching one of the million TV shows I'm currently addicted to. Sure, I like going out once in a while but gone are the days of 4 o'clock bar hops, random strangers, and wasted days. How I ever survived that lifestyle is beyond me, because looking back, I don't think I was happy.

Let's talk about something I do enjoy: driving. We took all of a savings and decided to lease a car, in spite of the crumbling economy and high gas prices. Sure, I no longer have the luxury of 24-hour bodegas at every corner, Whole Foods, or the millions of takeout options like I had living in the city, but now I can drive! I forgot how much fun it is to sing at the top of your lungs...I always get such strange looks on the subway when I do that.

Side note: the ultimate combination is, however, driving and smoking a cigarette (close second to a cup of coffee, of course). I do miss that.

In short, life changes, and it can change quickly but in this past year of all the mishaps and chaos that I've experienced, I always knew that it was me who was making those choices. Maybe the little queen bee is buzzing out of me again. Watch out.

Mason Proper's fantastic album Olly Oxen Free is now out on Dovecote Records. Buy it here, here, or here as soon as you possibly can. It's most definitely a contender for #1 album of the year.

Playtime!

I swear I have a million posts written in my head that I so wish I had time to write. I promise I'll get something up in the next week...but until then...

I've decided to get back to djing! It was a Rachael-friendly time (4-9 PM) at a very cool new bar (Arrow Bar) with drink specials for my favorite people (2 for 1 drinks all night!)

Flyer below, or come RSVP on facebook!

Yes, I'm Still Here

Hello. I know it's been forever, and I PROMISE I'll update this blog sooner than later, life has just been a bit crazy lately! Lots of changes, and all for the good.

If you'd like to discuss in person, or just check out some awesome music, I am coming out of DJ retirement for one night only in celebration of the 4th anniversary of Pat's blog! Wow! I'll even be teaming up with my one and only partner in crime: Miss Nora K. It's going to be an awesome night, so you should come.

Click here or here for more info (the latter of which is currently up on our refigerator!)

Don't Be Sore, Farmer John

I've diagnosed myself. After months of doctors, therapists, friends and a few too many glasses of wine I've figured it all out. I burned out: mentally, physically, emotionally. I needed a step back to look at what was most important to me, to acknowledge that I'm still young and have the rest of my life to be successful, and start reevaluating myself inside and out.

I stopped eating wheat.

It's funny how it took 24 years for a doctor to actually diagnose me with a food allergy, considering I've gone to doctors for my entire life and even more specialists than I care to count. The rashes, the exhaustion, swelling of my fingers and lips...it all came down to the fact that for an undetermined length of time, my body actually rejected what I unknowingly ate on a daily basis. It's been almost six months now living a gluten-free, dairy-free lifestyle. I can't say it's always easy (I am a New Yorker after all...pizza, bagels, etc) but the pros most definitely outweigh the cons. And because of this, I've started cooking more, finding new recipes and being very conscious of what I am consuming, food and other things alike. But please, I'm still a novice, so feel free to share any tips/recipes in the comments.

I've started to enjoy music.

It's hard to believe that it was over five years ago that I started Underrated at the young age of 19. A friend of mine who I've known since that very beginning told me that I started too young. I never really thought about it that way, but it has infact shed light on why I started to become so jaded towards the end. I burned out. For so long I had engrossed myself in this "music scene"—it was both my personal and my professional life and there was no start or end to the constant craziness it contains.

In short, I stopped having fun.

It's been four months since I quit CMJ and now I work in a completely unrelated field in a job I happen to quite enjoy. When the day is over, I don't think too much about my profession, instead I have the pleasure of unwinding, relaxing, and finding solace in the company I keep. But since most of the company I do keep happens to still be involved in the music industry, I now have an opportunity of being on the outside looking in.

And I quite like the view from here.

The past couple week's I've attended shows as a fan, that person inside of me that got into this whole mess at the very beginning. I've danced and sang along without worrying of who I am impressing, smiling from ear to ear in the mere revelation that this is what I actually enjoy. I questioned that too many times, I think, and now I'm more sure than ever. I love music. But I don't like the music industry, that's for sure.

Tuesday night I found myself at Pianos, a place where I've spent oh so many Tuesday nights before. But this week I felt as if I had a weight lifted off my shoulder. And I happened to catch a set but the wonderful Tereu Tereu who were exactly what I needed to experience—catchy melodies, bouncing rhythm, and a hell of a live show.

It feels good to be back.

Long Division.

His head was a city
Of paper buildings
And the echoes that remained
Of old friends and lovers
Their features bleeding
Together in his brain
And once it started was harder to
Tell them apart
He was always distracted
By the very mention
Of an open door
'Cause he had sworn not to be what he'd been before

To be a remain remain remain remainder

It has been over a month since my last severe allergy attack. What was once such a fear of my daily life is now a distant memory, proved witness only by the dozens of iPhone pictures of swollen lips and hives. Dare I say that I feel normal? I'm not quite sure if there is such a thing, but for so long of my life striving for the abnormal I'm taking much comfort in the routine, a bit of the mundane, and very much a security that things may be for the best. One day I'll feel guilty for making this change, but I have a feeling it will pass. For so much of my life I was obsessed with the idea of growing up. I wanted to be an adult, with responsibilities, a job, an office, title and telephone to call my own. I used to love going to my dad's office and pretending it was my own. And now, I've grown up. And it feels right.

I started my new job this week and it's quite a departure from my last few positions. There's a definite structure to the company, and while I may be at the bottom I feel already overwhelmed by my responsibilities, unsure of whether I'll be able to pull it off in the end, but confident in the fact that at the root of all the ways I can define myself—computer nerd is one that is always justified. Speaking of definitions, it's come to my attention that for the past five years I've defined myself by my job. I'm trying hard not to do that these days. I've also come to terms with the fact that some of my friends may have just been my friends because of my jobs. Part of life, I suppose.

Although its been rather hot and humid out in New York this week, the warmth has felt so positive on my body. I think I was hiding away for the past two months, embarrassed of myself. It feels good to be outside, amongst the city that I fall in love with more and more each day. Except when the newspaper ink ends up on my face...that, I could do without.

Since I no longer work in the music industry, I've taken joy in listening to music for pure enjoyment. One such album is the new Death Cab For Cutie one, Narrow Stairs. While it's taken me a bit longer than expected to get into it, I've grown quite fond of the West Coast band's new execution. It feels natural. We all fall into our own strides. When did I become so philosophical?

Anyways, I like this song "Long Division" very much. If only because I've started doing math on a daily basis for the first time since high school. Long division was always my favorite. Call me what you want.

Death Cab For Cutie - Long Division [YouSendIt]

P.S. How cute is my boyfriend?

Photo by Luke Robinson

Don't Play With Me 'Cause You're Playing With Fire

Now you've got some diamonds and you will have some others
But you'd better watch your step, girl
Or start living with your mother
So don't play with me, 'cause you're playing with fire

In the last week I turned 24, landed a new job, and felt relief at the fact that I no longer had to work within the music industry. Strange, because for so long its all I wanted but when I actually got it, I realized how little it is for me. In the end, I never really felt comfortable talking or writing about music, much happier to talk about what happened on TV last night or chat nonsense with a band. I never liked the business, the networking, the fake smiles and the constant look for someone better in the room. I suppose it could be true for any industry, but with the state of music these days, I saw scavengers holding on to whatever they could. And me? I was content in the back of the room, bobbing my head like an idiot.

I probably just experienced one of the worst times in my life for a multitude of reasons but I'm looking forward to a new beginning. I wasn't planning on such a change, but something tells me this happened for a reason. If this feeling of relief is any indication, I do know that I thoroughly look forward to actually enjoying music for the first time in almost five years. I can't wait to attend a show without a camera or the thoughts of how to turn this into a review. I can't wait to see which of my acquaintances are actually friends, and not just colleagues or clients in the long run. But mostly, I can't wait to not feel like such an impostor, because for so long I knew that this was not the right place for me.

One day I think I'll turn these past five years into a book. I wish that I had that short story I wrote about a life as a blogger, but its currently still sitting on that hard drive that wont start up. I'm not entirely sure if this is the end or a new start for Underrated, but I'm not too worried about giving it a label. Because, in the beginning I had fun writing about my escapades in this blog, and I only did it because I enjoyed doing it. So much of blogging now has become an institution, going against the very reason why they were created in the first place. So as long as I still like writing in here, I'll attend, and you're welcome to join me. Just don't expect too much and we'll be just fine.

Everywhere I've gone in the past week, this song has followed me. I first discovered the wonderful Rolling Stones b-side in Darjeeling Limited and haven't gotten it out of my head since. Enjoy.

The Rolling Stones - Play With Fire [YouSendIt]