Sunday, March 9, 2008

The Stills - "Yesterday Never Tomorrows"

My looks pushed too far, I'll get wrecked in some bar
I've lost it, my foot's on a nail
The dark winter snows bright, please stay here tonight
I'll cry my face straight through my pillow
Some things last forever, why can't this last forever
Nothing lasts forever, I hope this lasts forever

I had to get out of my head this weekend, or so that's what I figured out on Saturday night. The past few days have been emotionally draining, trying to be one person for someone and another for someone else, never fully realizing who I should be for myself. It's a very strange experience to see your parents as real people, perhaps even more flawed than you are yourself. As much as I tried to pretend I wasn't part of my family growing up, there's no denying I'm a product of my parents. Now, for the first time, I'm scared of what that might mean.

I almost cracked Friday night, when silence was deafening and my thoughts took over my entire body until I could hold in anymore, resulting in a vicious regurgitation that even I wasn't allowed to control. After a lot of hesitation and fear, I made my way out of my apartment and downtown to Bowery for Ra Ra Riot. It was pouring with rain, which helped me hide within the masses of people out and about. It didn't take long for me to get lost in their music, a familiar sound and safe freedom. I forgot what it felt like to have energy on stage pour out on a control, but the band proved they could do it for the umpteenth time. By the show's end I had my fist pumping and hands clapping. I stayed out until 4 a.m. that night. I hadn't done that in years.

The rain continued into Saturday. I didn't want Pat to go back to Staten Island but we both had things on our to do list that day. Again I was alone in my thoughts, running across town while my sneakers became sopping wet. I removed myself from my apartment and reality again that night, heading to a familiar site of my past that only made me realize how much I have changed. Maybe I haven't even really changed, just realized where I do and do not fit in. It was a nice refresher, almost like that puff of the cigarette on Friday night too. Sometimes you have to remind yourself how bad things really are. Katie and I made our way to Bowery for The Stills, and although I couldn't physically make it through the whole show, hearing songs off my beloved Logic Will Break Your Heart was enough.

I forgot how much I love that album; I've been listening to it all day today. It's strange to think that was five years ago, and how much I wish I could go back to that time. Life felt much easier then.


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