Friday, March 24, 2006

A Brief Smile's Concert "Tips"

Oh those boys of A Brief Smile. Not only will they be playing every Thursday in April, but that crazy drummer Louie has offered us his concert tips, as follows:

Be Respectful – For as long as I can remember, respect has always been number 1 on every list I’ve ever seen, except Rolling Stone’s Top 500 songs of all time, but that list didn’t even include “Silent Lucidity” by Queensr(Y with the umlaut over it)che, so all cred lost.

No Gum Chewin – A Brief Smile figures; you can’t be chewin gum in school, you can’t be chewin gum at sunday school, you can’t be chewin gum at summer camp, you can’t be chewin gum when you swim, you can’t be chewin gum when you’re eatin other food, you can’t be swallowin gum cause your stomach can’t be digestin it so don’t chew gum at our shows either, unless it’s nicorette because……

NO SMOKING!!!!! That means no cigarettes, because 1 of the 5 members of A Brief Smile is allergic to cigarettes, at least that’s what I think the stinging down there is from.

No Song requests – No need—everyone already knows you’re drunk, or maybe you just like making out with ugly people. Plus, A Brief Smile’s set lists were all made years in advance by Jared’s super computer. I know what you’re all thinking, and yes, we have set lists from the future with song titles we’ve yet to come up with, and yes, Jared’s super computer gets porn years in advance too—5 dollars at the door for every Tuesday “Porn From The Future” Night—chicks are welcome too:)

Wear comfortable clothing – sweat pants, sweat shirts, sweat underwear, sweat shoes, sweat blazers (I know you hipsters were wondering) sweat socks, sweat hats and fog proof sweat glasses, cause our shows make ye sweat.

Bring Proper Identification – We want you to “get in” but we don’t want to go to jail because you said you were 18 when we were in the bathroom but your mommy was waiting outside the club with the van parked and her arms folded with her “you’re grounded for life” face on, cause I’ve been to jail already and I’m not going back!

Gentleman, bring a lady friend – the soulful crooonins of our lead singer Dl are an aural aphrodisiac— and your money back if you don’t get lucky later that night (if not right there on the dance floor). Just kidding… you’re not getting your money back.

No Cussing – None of you disgusting, foul, potty, mouth should be washed out with soap mouths are welcome at our shows. You’re not welcome in our restaurants, our water fountains, our children’s playgrounds, our sections of the movie theaters, our bathrooms or the front of our buses either.

Don’t come alone – Most cities in the USA are dangerous to peruse solo in the post-dwde (post Darkwing Duck era) and don’t count on Jack Bauer either because we all know what he’s doing for an hour every week; not saving your ass! The unexpected cancellation of “James Bond Jr.” didn’t help either so invite a friend who packs heat, owns some Kevlar, or sees green numbers everywhere he looks.

No Secular Jews Allowed – Variation is a good thing, actually it’s a great thing. It’s the very thing that those Nazis tried to destroy with their failed erection of the Third Reich. Secular Judaism attacks the Jewish foundations that make the real Judaism interesting and different. Secular Judaism is a virus infiltrating our communities in a passive, “wolf in sheep’s clothing” way similar to globalization (I mean Americanization but shhh, don’t let my grandpa hear… cause he watches the O’Reilly Factor) is making every exotic city in the world look like... I don’t know, Cleveland, which by the way is a stupid place for the rock n roll hall of fame. Cleveland doesn’t rock, it Cleaves!… hehe, I said failed erection. [louie has an unavoidable bias in this field and in regards to this tip....i mean rule]

Don’t try to make friends with us after the show – In a perfect world we would all love each other and remember each others names and birthdays and food allergies (so sorry Allison about those peanut butter cookies I gave you 3 weeks after your birthday, hope the hives are gone and your breathing is back to normal … it’s Allison right?). Besides, friends are just for losers who ain’t getting none, and a brief smile is getting some after the show—not making friends with you, loser.

Leave your clown makeup at home – Recently A Brief Smile played a show at some club and a group of 12 or so clowns jumped out of a Bug and preceded to order drinks and have a good time. This is unacceptable and I’ll tell you why some other time.

Try to be conscious of the people around you – I was at this show once, and this dude was… how do I say this without offending the Puritans… ummm, he was, ok… there was a girl and a guy….two people… they had fingers.. umm there might have been probing of some sort… standing up… lets just say they were… there was moaning involved…umm… it wasn’t a Phish show or some Jam orgy, and it wasn’t their bedroom. What I’m trying to say is God help you if I were to catch you doing that at one of our shows, because I’d take my sticks and give your ass a probing so hard it would make Richard Simmons blush.

Have Fun! – Sober or not, A Brief Smile shows are fun. Here, I’ve made a “fun” list!
A Brief Smile on…..

Sober – 5.74 – excitement level is slightly elevated. One may become simultaneously appreciative and critical.
Juice – 6.69 – Thank god this band is loud enough to drown out whatever the girl I came with is saying/who is that drummer and why am I so turned on right now?
Treez – 7.78 – first half of the show you’re like, “hell yea, that’s like, a lot of sounds coming at me, I feel that” second half of the show, “dude, what if Phish came out right now, I am tooootally craving a sick Reba”.
Whipits - 8.23– the first 5 seconds of “And so it begins” was RIDICULOUS!
Cocaine – 3.34 – Nausea, numbness, gross taste in the back of your throat, feel chatty but the music is too loud to talk over, “what the hell was I thinking…. I need to go to the bathroom to…. Uh….. pee”.
Ecstasy – 8.36 – totally in love with the music, like, you feel literally every possible vibration.
L.S.D – 9.2 it’s just so strange how all 5 members of the band came into existence at such close times. Think about it, the world has been around for over 6 billion years and yet these 5 have come together all for this one night where they fuse their souls, I can see their souls fusing.
Heroin – 10.0 Heroin is amazing, that’s why people are so messed up when they don’t have it and if I hear one more person say, “Heroin? Are you crazy? Haven’t you seen Requiem For A Dream???” I swear I’m going to explode.

Now obey all those rules and come see them every week.

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